hello everyone,
so you probably saw earlier that lilyann linked my old account, anna s thesia. this was an account that i had about two years ago, and while playing i had seen pcuma around from time to time, and was under the impression that they were an active, respected member of the community for years due to the fact that i saw them again, now in 2023, while playing as meowjima. this conclusion led me to (falsely) believe that people were viciously personally attacking a beloved long term community member, which made me upset and led me to unfairly lash out at people on this forum, and especially at lilyann. i’m so sorry. my skewed perception of the situation led me to act in a way that was completely unacceptable and directly contradictory to my values.
in addition, anna s thesia has now been emigrated. i put the request in before even commenting on this topic in the first place because i didn’t want to lose my progress as meowjima, now that i have genuine investment into this account for a couple months now. i kept anna s thesia for so long just because i wanted to keep my old account for sentimentality. i honestly have no excuse for this that isn’t incredibly silly (wanted to play more dressup, wanted a bimbo and a himbo for fun, etc.). i completely understand that this unbalances the game, as even though i wasn’t intentionally exploiting any game mechanics, having alts is, of course, against the rules. i understand that this is a heavy thing to admit and will definitely change my image in the minds of many community members, but it’s the truth.
the point was never to be a “cheater defending a cheater” and the fact that it got twisted into that is entirely my own fault. i’m sorry for keeping my old account for so long and i’m sorry that my comment read to many as a defense of pcuma’s cheating. i would never intentionally exploit the game, and while the “cheater defending a cheater” narrative draws an upsetting false equivalence between what pcuma did and what i did, i understand that people can’t magically understand my intentions and that there’s a good reason why we aren’t allowed to have alts.
moreover, my intention was never to downplay the extent of the harm that pcuma caused, but i understand how it can come off that way. that post was 100% a weird parasocial moment and that’s on me. i respect the time and money that other community members put into duels, and i feel bad that i didn’t communicate that effectively in my anger and many people understandably saw it as me exonerating pcuma, rather than as a call for more civility in this kind of discussion.
i want to explain one more thing, just so that you all have the full context. i just got on testosterone a couple months ago and i’m not used to feeling angry. i want to be transparent about this because this all started because i couldn’t control my anger; i didn’t get angry very often before i began my transition and so my anger management skills are dogshit. this doesn’t excuse how i acted though, obviously, and i deeply apologize to everyone for my lack of self control.
i know that i’m doing a lot of explaining in this long apology, but i owe it to lilyann along with everyone else to be completely transparent as to the exact reasons why i said the things that i said. my intentions while writing this is not to excuse how i acted, but to give context. i really should have cooled off and absorbed more information before writing that post, but i got angry and acted impulsively and combatively, and for that i apologize.
i understand that some community members may not believe or accept my apology, which i respect. i hope to show my sincerity through not just words, but through my actions in the future. in a lot of ways, i’m glad that i got this opportunity to learn and grow here on ximboland rather than by blowing up on a friend or family member irl, and i deeply appreciate that lilyann took the time to tell me her side of the story, and her giving me a second chance; being able to apologize and set the record straight, to continue playing on here, is something that i’m super glad i can do.
07.05.2023 22:05:04
