a friend-issue

Category
Haute Coffee Shop

Posts
13

Created
14.03.2016

Author
maniatica

Citizen

maniatica

Level 22
Sex Appeal 8116
Reputation 8975
Posts 3620

14.03.2016 10:51:03
maniatica

i am a bit nerveous at the moment and thought talking it out might help... and probably some of you will have an advice for me, so here it is:

a friend of mine wrote me an e-mail. after 6 jears of not talking to each other or seeing each other.
i try to remember what happend to us. she moved away, i visited her, something was awkward (i think it had something to do with her boyfriend who didn't seem interested in getting to know me and her getting angry about her boyfriend and me not connecting ...and me feeling she was glossing over her future perspective) but we didn't had a fight, actually we tried to talk about it afterwards. but then we had less and less contact and finally didn't hear of each other anymore. a short time after that she broke up the contact to nearly everybody we both knew (we had lived tohether with 18 other housemates who all were friends and had mutual friends). two mutual friends of us still had contact to her but "weren't allowed" to tell any of us others where and how she is. it seemed that she was struggeling a bit. and i couldn't help her because she cut me out of her live.
i was worried about her and i was hurt becouse i lost a good friend and really missed her.
and i did not really know what was going on. why she cut me out or what i did.

we had a really intense but kind of short friendship. she was the first person i trusted after some really shitty years and a long time in therapy. she made me come out of my shell, open up to others. she shared her home and her friends with me. and she was one of the few people i really wanted to be friends with!
...and i was happy the first time in years. i calmed down and was laughing without being afraid of the good time to end. i could cry with her without being ashamed or need to explain why.
when she(K) decided to move i could not imagine that that would be kind of a problem for us. but then her life in the new city was kind of troubled and i had the feeling she tried to hide it from me. (i arranged for her to life with a friend(L) of mine for the first weeks during apartmenthunting... but i think they had a missunderstanding or a fight. i never got to know because that friend(L) just called to say that she(K) is moving out but didn't say anything about the cause, because she(L) was thinking she(K) should tell me myself. she(K) moved out there and in with a guy she just met and then didn't like anymore after a few days so that she moved in with another guy she just met...)
then she had some fights with some of our old housemates but i don't know much about that. i did hear something from them (because i was still living there) but she never said anything about it to me, so i don't know her side.

no contact in 6 years.
i moved 4 years ago, when ever i visited our old home i asked about her. when ever i saw one of the friends i know are still in contact with her i asked about her and told them to hug her from me (only once one of them told me a little bit: that she had an really bad breakedown but is now better). so many musicfestivals and concert i went to, hoping i would meet her there. i missed her a lot! so many things i wanted to tell her or to share with her! and i did not understand what happened, which was hard for me.
and now an e-mail
which says she is sorry that she cut me out. that she is often thinking about me and that it is hard to explain what was going on. she did not try to explain it in that mail, saying she doesn't know if i want to know it.
and she wrote that she was moving many times and was finding a special place for thet piece of art i made her in every flat.

when i saw the e-mail i was exited and afraid at the same time. i was so happy to finally hear from her that i started to cry.

and now i don't know how to react.
i want to talk to her! i want to meet her! i want to know what was going on!
i want my best friend back!
and that is why i am afraid. probably my expectations are to high. probably it is not possible to be like we were before. i don't know what happened and what my part in it was.
i am afraid to get hurt!

i moved into my current flat 2 years ago. i have many pictures of my friends (past and present) on the walls, but i never put up a picture of her in this flat. i did not want to be reminded of her all the time. it was so hard to miss her that i tried to forget her.

14.03.2016 10:51:03

Citizen

HeavenLeighBimbo

Level 129
Sex Appeal 1695853
Reputation 259681
Posts 7188

14.03.2016 11:44:08
HeavenLeighBimbo

I have a situation very similar to yours. While it has only been 1 year for my friend and I to be apart, all of the same elements are present for us to not communicate any more. I am the one who will not contact her anymore, I decided that maintaining a friendship with her was going to crush me emotionally. Her problems were becoming my problems. The child abuse she committed on her children, I just couldn't watch anymore. 3 children bourn before she was 18 years old, and still sleeping around with any man with a drug. Now she is 22 years old and all of her teeth are rotted. She weighs just 80 pounds, and is so unhealthy I was afraid she could die at any moment. I offered her all the help an independently wealthy person can, but she wouldn't even accept help from her closest friend of over 10 years. I met her when she was just 12 years old, and spoke daily to her all that time. All of her problems she would tell me. Eventually, I decided I didn't want to continue to watch her slowly commit suicide right before my eye's. She just stopped being a good person, and changed into someone I don't want to see in a coffin-box. I choose to remember her friendship when she was still full of life, and not the person she has become today. 10 years ago my closest set of girlfriends, were 12,14,16 year old girls. I watched them grow up as a mother would. This is why I feel so badly about my friend, and the need to just remove myself from the pitiful existence I would have to see her live in. I could fix her life completely for her and offered, but she like's her lifestyle as it is.
Friends move on to other thing's and people. That is just a fact of life. I have only one friend that I've remained in contact with for 25 years. Everyone else just sort of faded away over time. No fight's, Just one day in parting we said," See you tomorrow," and didn't.

14.03.2016 11:44:08

Image result for winter wonderland banner

Citizen

Ceres

Level 21
Sex Appeal 7539
Reputation 5486
Posts 2094

14.03.2016 12:03:34
Ceres

Dear the very same thing you wrote here to tell people that you really don't know but only through this site is the very same thing you can tell her.

If you miss her tell her! Tell her you missed her very much and that you're beyond happy that she finally contacted you. Tell her how much you care about her. Dont try to coax her into telling you what was wrong immediately but tell her you are there for her whenever she needs you and whenever she feels ready to open up to telling you again you'll be there to listen.

I know you want to meet her but try to give it a couple of weeks. Just try your best to catch up on old times ( just before the whole moving away took place)
Just let her know how you feel inside honey. Your best friend has come back so you have to show her why she shouldn't move away from you like that again! Tell her you will help her just as she helped you through your therapy!!

You can do it! :)

14.03.2016 12:03:34

Citizen

maniatica

Level 22
Sex Appeal 8116
Reputation 8975
Posts 3620

14.03.2016 12:26:25
maniatica

thanks ceres!
that is an good advice. i think i try to figure out what i feel by writing it down here, so i can figure out what to answer.
i want to tell her, that i miss her!
and that i feel overwhelmed to hear from her.

but i also have so many questions. and i don'know whether to ask them or not. it feels strange just to tell her how i feel without asking about the elephant in the room "what happend?" "where have you been?"

14.03.2016 12:26:25

Citizen

Ceres

Level 21
Sex Appeal 7539
Reputation 5486
Posts 2094

14.03.2016 19:44:48
Ceres

maniatica wrote:

thanks ceres!
that is an good advice. i think i try to figure out what i feel by writing it down here, so i can figure out what to answer.
i want to tell her, that i miss her!
and that i feel overwhelmed to hear from her.

but i also have so many questions. and i don'know whether to ask them or not. it feels strange just to tell her how i feel without asking about the elephant in the room "what happend?" "where have you been?"

Like i said just give her some time. It probably took her a lot to write to you after so long. She probably thinks you're disappointed in her. These are all questions you want to ask her but give it time. Soon she will warm up to you and will be able to give you every detail of the 6 year long absence. Just talk to her cooly every day for as long as you can

14.03.2016 19:44:48

Citizen

Phuckinbimbo

Level 1
Sex Appeal 1731
Reputation 2360
Posts 1227

14.03.2016 20:35:54
Phuckinbimbo

My advice here might be far different than everyone else. You already know the answers.
" i want to talk to her! i want to meet her! i want to know what was going on!
i want my best friend back!
...
i am afraid to get hurt!"

For the most part,don't do anything. You may have your friend coming back. It might not work out. Yes you could get hurt again but then again any relationship can hurt. You also could be embarking on a wonderful revival of friendship and you already stated that is something you want. Hope it happens and prepare yourself if it doesn't. After that there's only one thing you can do. Ask yourself why you want to know what happened in between. Crosby, Stills and Nash wrote a song called "Teach your children well." This is a line from it and one parents understand well, "Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you." She might want to tell you too. Either way, know what is in between could be more nightmarish than you could ever possibly imagine. That you also have to prepare for. "I had the feeling she tried to hide it from me." You already know this. I would kill the curiosity and not ask. I would be there if she told me and just look forward instead.

14.03.2016 20:35:54

One can not feel when they have no soul.

Citizen

HeavenLeighBimbo

Level 129
Sex Appeal 1695853
Reputation 259681
Posts 7188

15.03.2016 20:48:05
HeavenLeighBimbo

I'm seconding ^ this for the opening posters situation.

I've had 30 years to put friendships into perspective. As a 16 year old run-away I was thrust into a very adult world. Everyone was always older. Me, I was a kid. People I thought I would be friends with forever just didn't have the same goals as I did. My future, was my friend's past. It was very natural that I would keep dancing, when she couldn't. She taught me, and then set me free from future worries.
Now, I am her and I have no idea where she is to thank her.
Some friendships do last several generations if done right. I made sure to train a single student too, as my way of paying friendship, forward. She is free now too, to maximize her potential and life's dreams. That's what friend's do, in my world.

15.03.2016 20:48:05

Citizen

HeavenLeighBimbo

Level 129
Sex Appeal 1695853
Reputation 259681
Posts 7188

16.03.2016 17:34:20
HeavenLeighBimbo

I just had a friend issue, happen right now. I have a childhood friend, that our respective mothers, arraigned when we were babies. We don't hang out, but are more like sisters on the phone, or she comes to my house as we do live near each other. Honestly I try to avoid her, because she is not mentally sane, and her home disgusts me. She is good with me but when she is around her children, she frightens me. She is as Bi-Polar as a person can get and it is her kids that set her off, because her sons act exactly like the father at 10,14,17 years old. It also has destroyed her marriage of 20 years
.
Today she called to tell me that her ex-husband killed himself yesterday, with their youngest son in the house after a fight with the 10 year old son while the father was drunk. I'm usually very sympathetic in the face of death, but I just couldn't find any words to console her with. All I could think was, a horrible alcoholic is not going to be physically abusing her anymore.
I hope she can move on now. Even though she divorced the guy a year ago, She just kept getting back together every time he said sorry, only to get drunk again, and repeat the abuse. His death is really a good thing for her and the children.
What an awful thing to say, so it is best I just say nothing at all. What else can a friend do in a situation like that?

16.03.2016 17:34:20

Citizen

maniatica

Level 22
Sex Appeal 8116
Reputation 8975
Posts 3620

16.03.2016 18:19:39
maniatica

HeavenLeighBimbo wrote:

I just had a friend issue, happen right now. I have a childhood friend, that our respective mothers, arraigned when we were babies. We don't hang out, but are more like sisters on the phone, or she comes to my house as we do live near each other. Honestly I try to avoid her, because she is not mentally sane, and her home disgusts me. She is good with me but when she is around her children, she frightens me. She is as Bi-Polar as a person can get and it is her kids that set her off, because her sons act exactly like the father at 10,14,17 years old. It also has destroyed her marriage of 20 years
.
Today she called to tell me that her ex-husband killed himself yesterday, with their youngest son in the house after a fight with the 10 year old son while the father was drunk. I'm usually very sympathetic in the face of death, but I just couldn't find any words to console her with. All I could think was, a horrible alcoholic is not going to be physically abusing her anymore.
I hope she can move on now. Even though she divorced the guy a year ago, She just kept getting back together every time he said sorry, only to get drunk again, and repeat the abuse. His death is really a good thing for her and the children.
What an awful thing to say, so it is best I just say nothing at all. What else can a friend do in a situation like that?

i can understand your feelings! and i think it is okay to say nothing (at first and after a while it might be okay to say, that even so her and her kids are missing him, it is a choice he made... probably it was his way of solfing the problem of him being an alcoholic and abusing his family... his way of taking care of them).

while reading all i was thinking was "poor kids!". i hope someone will be there for them now. someone who can tell them, that nothing of that is their fault, even though they had a fight with him or were in the house during his suicide!

16.03.2016 18:19:39

Citizen

maniatica

Level 22
Sex Appeal 8116
Reputation 8975
Posts 3620

17.03.2016 08:33:44
maniatica

so... i wrote back. just a few lines.
that i am happy to hear from her, that i missed her and that i was hurt when she did cut me out six years ago, which is why i am a little afraid of getting hurt again now... but that i want to be in contact, that i want to be there for her or with her.
i told her that i feel a bit overwhelmed and speachless (but a good speachless) and will need a little time...

she did answer immediately that it is okay to take some time and that she is a little afraid too. and that she is happy that i am still there and want to be in contact to her.
then she started asking all the questions about what i did the past six years... ;)

i think it is a good start to answer that, and maybe start with a little asking back (at least the things like where she lives now. if she has a family. ...). hopefully we can catch up, talk about what is now
and then, some day, we will talk about what happend six years ago, what was going on...
i think we will come to that "naturally"

for the moment i am just happy that i can talk to her
(and that i never change my emailaddress ;) )

and i like to thank you guys, that you encouraged me to be open to her!

17.03.2016 08:33:44

Ximboland news

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹ forum rules and policies
Good morning Ximboland, this is Mister Tib, your new Minister of Justice (it's just tibby in a beard, dont worry) these are the new and current forum rules, please read them as they will be enforced starting now. Policies ₊˚⊹ First and...
꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹ forum rules and policies
Good morning Ximboland, this is Mister Tib, your new Minister of Justice (it's just tibby in a beard, dont worry) these are the new and current forum rules, please read them as they will be enforced starting now. Policies ₊˚⊹ First and...
꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹ forum rules and policies
Good morning Ximboland, this is Mister Tib, your new Minister of Justice (it's just tibby in a beard, dont worry) these are the new and current forum rules, please read them as they will be enforced starting now. Policies ₊˚⊹ First and...

Hot in Town Square

✧ Complementary Colours - Atheista’s Monthly Contest ✧
☆ hey fishies! ☆ we are now into august (and i can see us twisted in bedsheets, august slipped away), and that means new contest! so this months contest is… complementary colours. i hope this is a fun challenge, and as much as i love...
Reputation points helper thread
So we have helper topics on the forum for Badge collection. Fight Club and Quest for Curious Badge. Can I ask if you'll be so kind as to like this forum topic to help with Reputation points. My Idea is this everyone can just add something here and...
Change The Wor(l)d.
The game is simple! Just change/remove/add one letter of the word in the post above yours. Make sure it's a real word. If it's really a word that can't be changed anymore, just start a new word. :) Example: Person 1: Worm. Person 2: Word. Person 3:...
lets be real here
we all get tired of playing all those forum games to get our post number up. so there's no need here. this thread is for saying whatever you want (within the rules ofc)! doesn't matter if it's on topic or completely random, just speak your mind!...
Rain or Shine ☼ - FTL Fashion Contest 08.03-08.13 (ALL STATES WELCOME)
You're just about to step out the door. One last dab of lip gloss, a wink in the mirror, and you grab your keys. But wait. Do you reach for your umbrella or your sunglasses? This fashion contest is all about dressing your Ximbo for the weather. Is...

Ximboland stats

Population:
Prime Ximbo:
Treasury (USD): $0.00
Next Prime Ximbo election: 01.01.1970
Next State Minister elections: 01.01.1970
State in Charge:
Social media: | |
Best State Warriors this month:

nullplayer - 2592261 points
Legal Alien - lvl 44
mbbybbby - 555319 points
State Minister - lvl 270
CarCrashBimbo - 343302 points
Senator - lvl 57
Susan Slutzky - 275409 points
Senator - lvl 260
Eunyce - 272687 points
Fashion Manager - lvl 260
Sexiest this week:

liveangel - 7143913 points
Citizen - lvl 281
Undeadangel - 6612628 points
Citizen - lvl 207
Eunyce - 6458815 points
Fashion Manager - lvl 260
Spiffyfunpants - 6150858 points
Senator - lvl 301
mbbybbby - 3339533 points
State Minister - lvl 270
Most reputable this week:

Isolde - 15829 points
Citizen - lvl 210
Spiffyfunpants - 12860 points
Senator - lvl 301
Susan Slutzky - 8798 points
Senator - lvl 260
Slick_D - 8030 points
Citizen - lvl 114
Sophia_Aliza_01 - 4203 points
Citizen - lvl 63
Best fighters this week:

SilentlyScreaming - 207 points
Citizen - lvl 59
Spiffyfunpants - 181 points
Senator - lvl 301
califlower - 157 points
Fashion Designer - lvl 75
Sophia_Aliza_01 - 138 points
Citizen - lvl 63
AikiraSora - 135 points
Senator - lvl 75
Best debaters this week:

AltAcc - 158 points
Legal Alien - lvl 30
Kyele - 127 points
Citizen - lvl 196
califlower - 111 points
Fashion Designer - lvl 75
sachele - 79 points
Legal Alien - lvl 18
Eunyce - 67 points
Fashion Manager - lvl 260

Recently active

Fashion Manager

Eunyce

Level 260
Sex Appeal 17291930
Citizen

Shihaya

Level 111
Sex Appeal 1083094
Legal Alien

Lilkaboom

Level 21
Sex Appeal 6828
Citizen

DaBigBish

Level 195
Sex Appeal 5898931
Legal Alien

Pollly

Level 3
Sex Appeal 12
Citizen

LittleMissRachie

Level 35
Sex Appeal 32524

Democratically Elected Ximboland Leaders

(bravely leading the worlds only democratic social media platform)

Prime Ximbo

SweetasNuts

Level 32
Sex Appeal 23989
Minister of Justice

mister tib

Level 19
Sex Appeal 5445
Minister of Foreign Affairs

Slayyyocrates

Level 66
Sex Appeal 222073
Minister of Fashion

tibby

Level 307
Sex Appeal 41602417
Minister of Entertainment

Dean Winchester

Level 47
Sex Appeal 80789
State Minister

lovelifegirl

Level 256
Sex Appeal 15852793
State Minister

Sandi Lut

Level 289
Sex Appeal 29629359
State Minister

kimjongin

Level 251
Sex Appeal 14550594
Unlock

Level ?
Sex Appeal ???
Unlock

Level ?
Sex Appeal ???