My mom is starting to become terf-y and I have no idea what do

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8
Created
23.07.2022
Author
Dogma
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Atheista
23.07.2022 18:26:18
Dogma

We’re swedish, as a family we are all very left and open. But my mom has started using terfy talking points and arguments and apparently she follows lots of terf accs on instagram, I have no idea what to do. She often misgenders my sister’s non binary friend and thought another one of my sister’s friends was a trans woman so when talking about her she said ”she’s really a man” 
it’s drivibg me insane, I feel like shit and I don’t know what to do, I’m a cis woman btw

23.07.2022 18:26:18
mother help me there's a head attached to my neck and i'm in it
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Secville
24.07.2022 01:54:26
Goosey

I've very glad that even as a ciswomen you are standing up for your friends/relatives. I would HIGHLY suggest that you make it a very clear point to your mom that you, your friends, ect. feel very uncomfortable with her ideals/TERF beliefs. Assuming that your mom is cis, you should point out that talking about "trans/LGBT" is very much not her place to put them down. As someone who also lives in a homo/transphobic household, the best thing you can really do is to stand up for your beliefs and make it clear that you show no proof of changing what you believe is right.

PS Sorry if you have already done this and it hasn't helped. Mothers are some of the subbornest people i know so sometimes, nothing can really help

24.07.2022 01:54:26
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Freethinkerland
24.07.2022 04:16:10
qveenhadassah

interesting that she's just recently started being like that if your family is very openly left. do you know if she's friends with any terfs? this doesn't feel like a type of belief you just get off the internet yknow?

24.07.2022 04:16:10
 
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Atheista
24.07.2022 09:50:14
Dogma

I do think she only got this from instagram, I know she’s followed lots of feminist accs for years and a lot of those could’ve turned terfy over the years. She also does say that she has no problem with trans people and I don’t think that she sees herself as transphobic, she is also very supportive of queer people. 

Like when I came out as bi at 14 she was extremely supportive, when talking abt my bfs homophobic dad that stopped talking to him bc he’s bi she’s outraged. And I know she’s been in a long term relashionship with a woman. It’s only recently she’s started getting like this! And yes me and my sister are talking to her abt it and how we disagree and that it’s bad.

Also forgot to mention that I’m quite close to her and she’s the kind of mom all of my friends are jealous of and wish they had growing up. So this feels so horrible and complicated! 

Thank you for replying <3


24.07.2022 09:50:14
mother help me there's a head attached to my neck and i'm in it
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Freethinkerland
24.07.2022 10:41:06
qveenhadassah

oh man, this seems very weird. I'm sorry about this situation you're in. I've never had this kind of thing happen, so I don't know what else to say other than keep trying to talk to her about it and keep her accountable when she says those things. let her know that, even if she doesn't think it isn't, that what she's saying is hurtful and really is transphobic. I'll keep checking in on the topic to see how things are going, but idk how helpful I'll be in the future. I'm sorry :(
also feel free to keep me updated yourself if you'd like !! I'd be happy to just be here to support if you need it

24.07.2022 10:41:06
 
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Secville
24.07.2022 11:24:20
AuntieLice

Is she a radical feminist? Asking cause I know that TERF is the new word everyone likes throwing around even for women who are not radical feminists.

24.07.2022 11:24:20
“Then two years ago, I became a public figure representing domestic abuse, and I felt the full force of our culture’s wrath for women who speak out.” -Amber Heard
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Atheista
24.07.2022 11:27:15
Dogma

I wouldn’t say radical, but definatly a feminist. I don’t think of her as a terf, more so someone who’s adopting a lot of terf talking points. I mostly used to word to summurize the kinds of thing she’s been saying lately

And thank you qveenhadassah I will post updates when relevant!

24.07.2022 11:27:15
mother help me there's a head attached to my neck and i'm in it
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Secville
24.07.2022 17:37:49
mikanapi

I grew up in a home that wasn't supportive of those kinds of things and in my opinion, the best thing you could probably do is gently remind her how her talking points make you and your friends or anyone else feel. Standing up for what you believe in is the best course of action, but it also needs to be done in a certain way as not to make her feel isolated or attacked or she may double down on those talking points and it might become more of a problem. Again, this is just my opinion based on life experience and as I am not Swedish nor do I know you or your mom, I don't know how this would go down necessarily. But it seems like you don't believe she is being intentionally malicious and that could be the case. Education and open communication could go a long way, I think. Keep your chin up and I hope things get better for you!

PS: Sorry for the long post and if it doesn't make sense, I'm not great with words.

24.07.2022 17:37:49

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