Experiences. Thoughts. Outlooks.
Cheating
Rome
Never had to deal with cheating in any of my relationships, not that I've had many. My husband is faithful and I don't have to worry about that with him. Although I do not agree with cheating, I believe if you really needed to cheat you'd end your marriage/relationship first. If I was cheated on that would be the end of it, you can't move on from something like that because the trust would no longer be there.
I'm kind of gonna ramble here because I've never really told anyone about my experience with cheating.. This subject was something that made me uncomfortable and sad to think about for awhile, because last year my mom had an affair and my dad found out. They're still together and trying to fix things in marriage therapy. They seem to be doing a lot better now but for a long time there was lots of arguing and yelling, while me and my older sister had to try to shield our younger sisters from all the fighting. When I first found out I didn't even believe it, I thought my dad had just convinced himself that she would do something like that.. But sadly it was true. He was so angry and hurt, and he's still hurting. When someone is cheated on, that stays with them like a scar. I think that my dad was already a little depressed before this all happened, but it got a lot worse for awhile. He's on anti-depressants now and seems to be doing better, but I remember this one week that I don't think I saw him get out of bed or come out of his room, not even once. We were all scared that he would try to hurt himself.
It might sound stupid of me, but I think my mom did it not because she didn't love my dad but because she felt neglected and unwanted, then she met this guy who seemed to appreciate her and that was her way of having a temporary 'escape'. It's not an excuse at all, but it explains her actions. One factor that came into play was that my dad was not taking care of himself for a long time, he has diabetes and no matter how much she tried to help him get healthier he didn't seem to care, or even believe that his diabetes was that bad that it could take a massive chunk out of his life. He just didn't seem to appreciate or listen to her concern for his health. Again, this could never, ever justify cheating on him, this put the whole family through a lot of shit that were still dealing with, and it broke a trust that will probably take the rest of their lives to keep healing and maintaining, but looking from her perspective it does explain her actions, despite them being inexcusable. I can't say whether or not she still loved him when she cheated, but I know that they're working hard to fix their relationship, and if she didn't love him anymore she for sure would've left him when he found out, because the yelling and fighting wouldn't have been worth it if she had no love left for him.
As for how I felt about all this.. At first I was in denial, like I said before. But then I was scared, sad and angry, my mood would swing a lot between these depending on if he was yelling at her or not. When he was yelling, obviously I felt scared but also really sad, especially for my sisters. I could generally keep a strong face when there was yelling but once it was done I felt sad and empty. My older sister can't 'keep it in' as well as me, and my little sisters had no idea why there was fighting so of course they were terrified to see their dad angry like that. I also felt guilty for awhile, like if I had been nicer to my mom maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to seek some kind of fulfillment somewhere else. I'd feel angry when she asked me to do things like chores, I just felt like she betrayed all of us, but at the same time I couldn't bring myself to actually tell her that. I felt like she was already getting enough shit from my dad, so I generally kept my anger to myself except for a few occasions where I was angry at both of them, I just wanted him to stop yelling because it was scaring the kids. I still haven't told any of my friends, not even the closest ones because I don't want them to think differently of my mom. It's so weird but this entire time I've felt like I can't tell my friends for that reason, and just because I wanted to keep it off my mind as much as possible since I was dealing with a lot at home. My boyfriend knows though, he's actually been through it too with his dad who cheated. His parents aren't together anymore, but they still live together. I imagine that will change when my boyfriend and his sister move out.
Anyways, Roman, I think it's great that you're opening these kind of topics. People can really get things off their chest, and express themselves in a safe place, and that's awesome :)
It might sound stupid of me, but I think my mom did it not because she didn't love my dad but because she felt neglected and unwanted, then she met this guy who seemed to appreciate her and that was her way of having a temporary 'escape'. It's not an excuse at all, but it explains her actions. One factor that came into play was that my dad was not taking care of himself for a long time, he has diabetes and no matter how much she tried to help him get healthier he didn't seem to care, or even believe that his diabetes was that bad that it could take a massive chunk out of his life. He just didn't seem to appreciate or listen to her concern for his health. Again, this could never, ever justify cheating on him, this put the whole family through a lot of shit that were still dealing with, and it broke a trust that will probably take the rest of their lives to keep healing and maintaining, but looking from her perspective it does explain her actions, despite them being inexcusable. I can't say whether or not she still loved him when she cheated, but I know that they're working hard to fix their relationship, and if she didn't love him anymore she for sure would've left him when he found out, because the yelling and fighting wouldn't have been worth it if she had no love left for him.
As for how I felt about all this.. At first I was in denial, like I said before. But then I was scared, sad and angry, my mood would swing a lot between these depending on if he was yelling at her or not. When he was yelling, obviously I felt scared but also really sad, especially for my sisters. I could generally keep a strong face when there was yelling but once it was done I felt sad and empty. My older sister can't 'keep it in' as well as me, and my little sisters had no idea why there was fighting so of course they were terrified to see their dad angry like that. I also felt guilty for awhile, like if I had been nicer to my mom maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to seek some kind of fulfillment somewhere else. I'd feel angry when she asked me to do things like chores, I just felt like she betrayed all of us, but at the same time I couldn't bring myself to actually tell her that. I felt like she was already getting enough shit from my dad, so I generally kept my anger to myself except for a few occasions where I was angry at both of them, I just wanted him to stop yelling because it was scaring the kids. I still haven't told any of my friends, not even the closest ones because I don't want them to think differently of my mom. It's so weird but this entire time I've felt like I can't tell my friends for that reason, and just because I wanted to keep it off my mind as much as possible since I was dealing with a lot at home. My boyfriend knows though, he's actually been through it too with his dad who cheated. His parents aren't together anymore, but they still live together. I imagine that will change when my boyfriend and his sister move out.
Anyways, Roman, I think it's great that you're opening these kind of topics. People can really get things off their chest, and express themselves in a safe place, and that's awesome :)
Thank you for sharing. What a lot of people don't understand is that more often than not, cheating impacts more than just the couple. So don't feel guilty for being angry. When she "stepped out" she stepped out on all of you. She made a mistake as the partner of another human being, and the mother\teacher of the girls who look to her for guidance. Cheating, as I know from my own experience with my family, breaks trust, and the example of what love is meant to be. It messes me up for a really long time, and I didn't even know it until I began dating my now husband. So don't hold it on. It's okay to feel bad every now and then. If you hold it in you can never explore the emotions and begin to understand them.
Rome
Roman wrote:
Thank you for sharing. What a lot of people don't understand is that more often than not, cheating impacts more than just the couple. So don't feel guilty for being angry. When she "stepped out" she stepped out on all of you. She made a mistake as the partner of another human being, and the mother\teacher of the girls who look to her for guidance. Cheating, as I know from my own experience with my family, breaks trust, and the example of what love is meant to be. It messes me up for a really long time, and I didn't even know it until I began dating my now husband. So don't hold it on. It's okay to feel bad every now and then. If you hold it in you can never explore the emotions and begin to understand them.All of what you said is so true. I think as a family we are still recovering from it all, and but we're starting to move on. Some days and weeks are harder for my dad but he's definitely doing a lot better since last summer when he found out. All I really want is for him and my mom to be happy again, so we can all feel like a family again. I don't think I'm holding any bad emotions in anymore, at least I think I've dealt with most of my feelings from it all. Thank you for the kind and understanding words :)
Any time.
Rome
My dad left my mum for a much younger woman last year. She's 28, he's 52 (I am 23 and my brother is 25, btw). I used to absolutely resent her because of this, but since I've had the chance to meet her I realise she's not so bad - She really genuinely loves my dad and has actually improved my father/daughter relationship with him. While I still don't condone cheating, I do think my parents are much happier with different people than they were together. I just hope that my dad stays with this woman now, because that's the life he's chosen for himself and also the reason he left our family home.
As for my own experiences with cheating, I've been accused of it but never actually done it. There were two guys I mentioned in the "sex" thread:
...let's call him "stoner guy"
...and this one "younger guy"
Stoner Guy really had a major thing for me, but I wasn't so into him as you can probably tell. He was a close friend's housemate who kept trying to be forceful with me every time I went over to their house and I wasn't interested. I didn't know what I was doing, apart from getting high with those guys from time to time. I felt kind of weak and vulnerable, not sure of what to do. Over that Christmas break, I ended up sleeping with someone who I really liked at the time, and then the next time Stoner Guy tried to pull his usual tricks on me (whilst I was drunk/high) I actually had the courage to stand up to him and say "No. I'm not interested. I never have been. Leave me alone because I'm seeing someone now." He was absolutely furious and felt I was in the wrong for this, but I actually wasn't since we were never even together: I am not your girl just because you say I am! I also completely stopped smoking weed so regularly too, because he disgusted me so much it put me off the drug.
Younger Guy was a good friend with major self-esteem issues. I did really like him a lot as a person, and at one point thought we could end up dating. He wanted to be with me, but his insecurities constantly got in the way of things: He would say weirdly mean and abusive things to me whilst drunk, about how I've "probably fucked loads of guys". He was possessive of me got and jealous when I was having a good time with friends too. I grew tired of this and it made me feel like shit, so we didn't speak for a week or so. When another guy asked me out on a date, I gladly accepted his offer, had a lovely time and was treated with so much respect. In fact, I started seeing the other boy more regularly, and when younger guy tried to get back into contact with me, I had to be honest and tell him. He was absolutely heartbroken and the next time we bumped into each other, got into a huge argument about it.
I know these guys seemed to think I'd somehow cheated on them but how can this even be true if we were never together in the first place? I was in a suffocating, mentally abusive relationship for two years and it's given me some commitment issues. When boys get jealous and possessive, I seem to run as far as I can in the opposite direction.
There was a time I almost cheated on my abusive (now ex) boyfriend though, but I didn't because it felt pretty dirty at the time. He moved away for university and was extremely jealous of the new friends I'd made (especially the boys, and there was one in particular he took an instant disliking to). He'd come home every weekend to make sure I didn't have a social life, spend quality time with my family, drink alcohol or wear any clothes he didn't approve of. I got invited to a birthday night out in London, and he didn't want me to go/begged me to visit him instead. My parents insisted I went to this party, since they saw what my boyfriend was doing. Boyfriend came home that weekend and decided he would be the one to escort me to and from this party (worse than my actual Dad!). This didn't end up happening since my friend had already paid for a minibus to take everyone to the club. So my boyfriend was texting me all night, trying to monitor my every move. And the one boy he really didn't like (Let's call him Mr Suave!) sat himself next to me on the minibus:
Mr Suave: Hey - you've changed your outfit?
Bambi: I know. My boyfriend would kill me if he knew...
Mr Suave: *laughs* Good for you, for disobeying him then! And I'd never even realised what great legs you had, it's a crying shame you don't get them out more often.
Bambi: *blushes* Thanks, but I've never thought so myself...
Mr Suave: Well, it's true and you should learn to take a compliment!
I ended up drinking alcohol that night and having a great time with all my new friends. My boyfriend became increasingly annoyed that I was having too much fun to text him back every three minutes. If only he knew I was dancing with our good friend Mr Suave! (completely innocently, of course)
Bambi: *receives another angry boyfriend text*
Mr Suave: He is just relentless in ensuring you have no fun, isn't he?
Bambi: He wants to know the address so he can come and pick me up.
Mr Suave: Don't tell him. Turn your phone off. I DARE YOU. Enjoy yourself for a change.
Bambi: I'm terrified of what he's going to say tomorrow
Mr Suave: Don't think about that just now - Live for the moment; Worry later!
Bambi: *Turns off phone*
Mr Suave: Good girl!
I did actually have a much nicer time after switching off my phone and Mr Suave was loving my 'bad behaviour' in doing so. I always thought he was kind of an attractive guy, with a wonderfully cheeky smile, great attitude to life and definitely very charming. I wasn't cheating by hanging out with a good looking boy, who my boyfriend couldn't stand. The more I did it, the more rebellious I felt: It was like my escape from reality. Perhaps I was toying with the idea of getting out of a very unhealthy relationship, and I kind of wish I had just dumped him around this time. Later on this happened...
Mr Suave: *drunkenly, not so suave* Why are you still with him? How can you even put up with that?
Bambi: ...
Mr Suave: *moves in to kiss me*
Bambi: *rejects; moves away* You're drunk
Mr Suave: ...and you're in a relationship you don't want to be in
I went back to stay over at birthday girl's house with a few others, including this guy who lent me his pyjamas to sleep in but nothing happened. We all slept in the same room and went out to the park the next day and had a picnic. I didn't even turn my phone on until 3pm that afternoon, when I had a lot of explaining to do to my horrible boyfriend at the time. The jig was up.
I'm glad I didn't cheat on him, even though I easily could've. I still think "what if" though...
As for my own experiences with cheating, I've been accused of it but never actually done it. There were two guys I mentioned in the "sex" thread:
"Another guy it happened with was too forceful in his attempts to sleep with me. He had drug problems that affected his "performance", so we never actually had proper sex. I ended up hating him for his aggressive attitude and he ended up hating me for emasculating him by not putting out..."
...let's call him "stoner guy"
"This one was two years younger, and I liked him but he had self-esteem issues that were somehow my fault. He got frustrated with me one time when I didn't want sex, and also another separate time when I did, because he got the impression he wouldn't be capable of pleasing me. It was kind of slut-shaming, because he had this impression that I'd "clearly had great sex with loads of guys" and became angry at himself/me about that (even though it wasn't the case)."
...and this one "younger guy"
Stoner Guy really had a major thing for me, but I wasn't so into him as you can probably tell. He was a close friend's housemate who kept trying to be forceful with me every time I went over to their house and I wasn't interested. I didn't know what I was doing, apart from getting high with those guys from time to time. I felt kind of weak and vulnerable, not sure of what to do. Over that Christmas break, I ended up sleeping with someone who I really liked at the time, and then the next time Stoner Guy tried to pull his usual tricks on me (whilst I was drunk/high) I actually had the courage to stand up to him and say "No. I'm not interested. I never have been. Leave me alone because I'm seeing someone now." He was absolutely furious and felt I was in the wrong for this, but I actually wasn't since we were never even together: I am not your girl just because you say I am! I also completely stopped smoking weed so regularly too, because he disgusted me so much it put me off the drug.
Younger Guy was a good friend with major self-esteem issues. I did really like him a lot as a person, and at one point thought we could end up dating. He wanted to be with me, but his insecurities constantly got in the way of things: He would say weirdly mean and abusive things to me whilst drunk, about how I've "probably fucked loads of guys". He was possessive of me got and jealous when I was having a good time with friends too. I grew tired of this and it made me feel like shit, so we didn't speak for a week or so. When another guy asked me out on a date, I gladly accepted his offer, had a lovely time and was treated with so much respect. In fact, I started seeing the other boy more regularly, and when younger guy tried to get back into contact with me, I had to be honest and tell him. He was absolutely heartbroken and the next time we bumped into each other, got into a huge argument about it.
I know these guys seemed to think I'd somehow cheated on them but how can this even be true if we were never together in the first place? I was in a suffocating, mentally abusive relationship for two years and it's given me some commitment issues. When boys get jealous and possessive, I seem to run as far as I can in the opposite direction.
There was a time I almost cheated on my abusive (now ex) boyfriend though, but I didn't because it felt pretty dirty at the time. He moved away for university and was extremely jealous of the new friends I'd made (especially the boys, and there was one in particular he took an instant disliking to). He'd come home every weekend to make sure I didn't have a social life, spend quality time with my family, drink alcohol or wear any clothes he didn't approve of. I got invited to a birthday night out in London, and he didn't want me to go/begged me to visit him instead. My parents insisted I went to this party, since they saw what my boyfriend was doing. Boyfriend came home that weekend and decided he would be the one to escort me to and from this party (worse than my actual Dad!). This didn't end up happening since my friend had already paid for a minibus to take everyone to the club. So my boyfriend was texting me all night, trying to monitor my every move. And the one boy he really didn't like (Let's call him Mr Suave!) sat himself next to me on the minibus:
Mr Suave: Hey - you've changed your outfit?
Bambi: I know. My boyfriend would kill me if he knew...
Mr Suave: *laughs* Good for you, for disobeying him then! And I'd never even realised what great legs you had, it's a crying shame you don't get them out more often.
Bambi: *blushes* Thanks, but I've never thought so myself...
Mr Suave: Well, it's true and you should learn to take a compliment!
I ended up drinking alcohol that night and having a great time with all my new friends. My boyfriend became increasingly annoyed that I was having too much fun to text him back every three minutes. If only he knew I was dancing with our good friend Mr Suave! (completely innocently, of course)
Bambi: *receives another angry boyfriend text*
Mr Suave: He is just relentless in ensuring you have no fun, isn't he?
Bambi: He wants to know the address so he can come and pick me up.
Mr Suave: Don't tell him. Turn your phone off. I DARE YOU. Enjoy yourself for a change.
Bambi: I'm terrified of what he's going to say tomorrow
Mr Suave: Don't think about that just now - Live for the moment; Worry later!
Bambi: *Turns off phone*
Mr Suave: Good girl!
I did actually have a much nicer time after switching off my phone and Mr Suave was loving my 'bad behaviour' in doing so. I always thought he was kind of an attractive guy, with a wonderfully cheeky smile, great attitude to life and definitely very charming. I wasn't cheating by hanging out with a good looking boy, who my boyfriend couldn't stand. The more I did it, the more rebellious I felt: It was like my escape from reality. Perhaps I was toying with the idea of getting out of a very unhealthy relationship, and I kind of wish I had just dumped him around this time. Later on this happened...
Mr Suave: *drunkenly, not so suave* Why are you still with him? How can you even put up with that?
Bambi: ...
Mr Suave: *moves in to kiss me*
Bambi: *rejects; moves away* You're drunk
Mr Suave: ...and you're in a relationship you don't want to be in
I went back to stay over at birthday girl's house with a few others, including this guy who lent me his pyjamas to sleep in but nothing happened. We all slept in the same room and went out to the park the next day and had a picnic. I didn't even turn my phone on until 3pm that afternoon, when I had a lot of explaining to do to my horrible boyfriend at the time. The jig was up.
I'm glad I didn't cheat on him, even though I easily could've. I still think "what if" though...
I'd have a few thoughts but I wouldn't even know where to start
My first boyfriend kissed other girl. And my third biyfruend fucked a friend MINE!!!
LOVE YOURSELF
unfortunately I think it's human nature.
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