***DUE TO THIS BEING A LIVE BROADCAST, AND JADE NOT HAVING THE MOST APPROPRIATE
LANGUAGE FOR TELEVISION, SOME HEAVY CENSORING HAD TO BE DONE. JADE, YOU HAVE
OVERWORKED THE CREW A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH, BUT I’M SURE THEY STILL LOVE YOU…
KIND OF***
What?!! Did you just say a cooking challenge?!! Fu**, why couldn’t it be a tatt
challenge?!!! I mean, I wouldn’t want me in a kitchen with a
knife, unless it’s for a knife fight. I’m
better off with a tatt gun and ink than a bowl and a spatula. *REMOVES
A FLASK HIDDEN UNDER HER SKIRT, TAKES A SWIG, AND HIDES IT AGAIN* BUT
a challenge is a challenge, so FU** IT!
No, I’m not going to wear
that damn frilly cutesy thing over my clothes and I certainly am not wearing
that frou frou contraption on my head. I need an apron before I cook? *ONCE
AGAIN, GRABS THE FLASK, TAKES A LONG SWIG, AND SLAMS THE FLASK ON THE NEAREST
TABLE* FINE!! I get to choose what I wear and the place I cook
at. We agree? Good, we can get started
once we go to the bar. What did you
say? There’s no way I can cook at a
bar? How little you know of the amazing
kitchens that some bars hide in the back.
I don’t want to hear anymore, let’s get going, before this buzz
disappears.
*AT LOCATION, IN A TRENDY BAR WITH A KITCHEN*
*CAMERAS ARE ROLLING…..ACTION!!*
Brittany, I picked this
recipe because it reminded me of you.
Well, not only because it reminded me of you, but it has fu**ing whiskey
in it, and you can’t go wrong with a recipe that calls for alcohol. Today
lady and gents , I will attempt to make for you a Honey Whiskey Bundt
Cake. And its drenched in HONEY WHISKEY
BUTTER GLAZE!! WHISKEY in the INside,
WHISKEY on the OUTside, this has to be
the best cake to make! Or is it the best
cake to bake? Whichever it is, I will attempt to make it. *WHISPERING
FROM DIRECTOR* What? Why do I keep
on saying attempt? I already explained
to you why, I guess I’ll have to show you why, but first, let’s display all the
ingredients needed to make this glorious bit**, I mean confection.
*DISPLAYED ON SCREEN*
For the cake:
¾
cup (150 g) sugar
6
Tbs (85 g) unsalted butter at room temperature, plus more for buttering
pan
2
large eggs
2
cups less 1 Tbs (250 g) flour
1
½ tsps baking powder (by error I also added ½ tsp baking soda and it was
fine)
½
tsp salt
¼
cup (60 ml) good quality liquid/runny honey
2/3
cup (155 ml) milk at room temperature
1/3
cup (80 ml) whiskey, bourbon or amber rum
¾
cup (about 90 g) chopped pecans (I used about ½ cup or less than 50 g)
For the syrup/glaze:
¼
cup (60 g) unsalted butter
2
Tbs water
¼
cup (60 ml) good quality liquid/runny honey
¼
cup (50 g) sugar
¼
cup (60 ml) whiskey, bourbon or amber rum
*DISPLAYED ON SCREEEN STAYS ON FOR A
MINUTE*
*CAMERA
ROLLS BACK TO JADE*
We’ve got some tools her that we are going to need to
use. A pastry brush, but looks like a paint brush to me, a bundt pan… whats the
hole for? Nevermind. I also have several
bowls, measuring cups, a whisk to beat the crap out of the ingredients, a
toothpick… what the fu** is this for, to clean my teeth? A scoop, but I don’t see any ice cream
anywhere, a pot, pan, and foil. Where the fu** is the fire extinguisher? That’s the most important one to have, but oh well, not my
problem if my cake doesn’t turn out quite right.
*SIGHS
DEEPLY, ROLLS EYES, GRABS A BOTTLE FROM THE BAR, CHUGS IT DOWN, AND CONTINUES*
Ok, so I’ve been told they preheated the oven to 350 degrees
for me, whatever that means, it’s the first step, and it’s done. I need
to brush this bundt pan, so lets do that.
Painting is easy, butter is my paint. *BRUSHES BUTTER ON BUNDT PAN*.
OHHHHH, we get to sprinkle some pecans on the bottom of this bit**!
THOSE NUTS ARE SWEET!!! Ok, this isn’t
so bad, or maybe it’s the whiskey talking. Fu** it, let’s make this cake! Bake?
Make? Whatever, as long as I have a cake.
*DIRECTOR
REMINDS JADE TO WATCH HER LANGUAGE*
Next, we need to combine some sh** together, I mean
combine flour, baking powder, and salt in one of the bowls. *PICKS
A BOWL, PLOPS ALL THE INGREDIENTS TOGETHER, AND MIXES THEM, MAKING A MESS* SH**, it went everywhere, oh well, we should
have enough. That’s done, let’s combine
the next sh**, I mean ingredients. OHHHH, WHISKEY, HELL YA!!!! *GRABS A MEASURING CUP*
We get to mix milk , bourbon, and honey in here. Oh sh**, I got honey on
myself. It’s sticky as FUUUU**! *STOPS,
LOOKS IN ANOTHER DIRECTION, LOOKS BACK AT CAMERA* I mean, is sticky as …. Well, it’s
sticky.
*CAMERA PANS
TO INGREDIENTS AND BACK TO JADE*
What the f.. I mean what the hell, another bowl I need
to use? Alright, butter and sh**, I mean butter and sugar go in here and we cream
and smash them. Cream and smash them…. *JADE SMILES, MOANS, AND LICKS HER LIPS* Sounds good about now, I mean let’s get this
together real good!
Alright, add in the eggs, and we beat them I’ll beat
them, I’ll whip them, whip them real good!
What? Do it one a time, FU** that, I have a time
saver, we are putting them all in at once! *STARTS
CRACKING EGGS* GOD DAMN IT!!! I don’t
think the shell was suppose to go in there, but none the wiser, it’ll add
crunch. Add half of the flour and half
of the liquid mixuture and beat well.
Naw, TIME SAVER!!! *JADE ADDS ALL
OF THE FLOUR AND LIQUID MIXTURE*
Ready for a beating?!! *JADE BEATS THE MIXTURE SO FERIOUSLY,
BATTER SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE* Needs
some more whiskey. *JADE GRABS HER
FLASK, TAKES A SWIG, AND POURS THE REST INTO THE BATTER* MMMMMMM!!! YOU CAN SMELL THAT WHISKEY! Now, the batter is ready to be put in with
those pecans. THOSE NUTS ARE SWEET!!
Scoop the batter in? Naw, it’s going to take too long, I’m just pouring
that bit** in!!! *JADE POURS THE BATTER IN
THE BUNDT PAN, DRIPPING IT EVERYWHERE*
Next, it goes into the oven for… WHAT THE FU**?!!! Thirty to forty minutes?!!! NO WAY, I'm not waiting that long for a fu**ing cake!! *CAMERAS
PAN TO THE KITCHEN AREA OF THE BAR, WHERE JADE IS FUMBLING WITH DIALS* 350 degrees……. If I put it at 550 degrees for 10- 20 minutes, that should cook the same! TIMER SAVER!! *JADE
PUTS THE CAKE IN THE OVEN, AND SLAMS THE OVEN DOOR*
*THERE IS A
PAUSE FROM THE SHOW’S SPONSORS, THEN THE SHOW RESUMES*
Ok, so everyone was a bit worried about me making the
glaze, so it’s been already prepared and I’m suppose to just tell you what to
do…. but first, this needs more whiskey.
*JADE GRABS A BOTTLE FROM THE
BAR, TAKES A SWIG, POURS SOME INTO THE GLAZE, AND PUTS THE BOTTLE BACK* Oh, what, it can have rum also? *JADE
PROCEEDS TO DO THE SAME WITH THE RUM, GRABS, SWIG, POUR, BACK* Oh sh**, or bourbon?!! *WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WHISKEY AND RUM, HAPPENED TO
THE BOURBON* WHAT THE FU** IS THAT
SMELL? SMELLS SMOKY AS FU** IN HERE!!!
*SMOKE RISES
INTO THE BAR AREA, FROM THE BACK. THE
CREW IS SEEN RUNNING OPENING WINDOWS, DASHING TO THE BACK AREA WHERE THE STOVE
IS, WITH SEVERAL FIRE EXTINGUISHERS AT HAND. THERE IS A INTERMISSION, THEN THE CAMERAS ARE BACK ONTO JADE.*
No surprise, I did say attempt to make a fu**ing cake,
I didn’t say I would make one. What the
fu** is this tape for? Do not cross…
CRIME SCENE?!! I didn’t murder a god
damn person, I burnt a fu**ing cake for fu**s sake!!!
*JADE
RETREATS BEHIND THE BAR AND BEGINS GRABBING BOTTLES*
I fu**ing suck at cooking, but I reassure you that my tatts are kick
ass!! Come see me for some tatts, but
don’t ever fu**ing ask me to ever cook again!
