I'll say to y'all what I just said to tibby in DMs:
"I have ADHD, so I forgot that I said that. I have OCPD + one of my main triggers is when people tell me I've lied, so I make a conscious effort to not lie. I have OCD which means that I confess things as a compulsion, so whenever I found it to be true that I did tell someone to kill themselves, I immediately confessed that I was originally wrong.
The world isn't kind to me, most of the time because I am mentally ill. Whether it's because they know they can get a reaction out of me or it's because I made a mistake because of my mental illness."
I was also very obviously drinking in the clip, does everyone here remember everything they've ever done in their life, especially when they were drinking? No.
To call me a "drama streamer" for standing up against transphobic rhetoric I've been hearing my entire life, + am therefore completely sick of responding to with positivity, is actually unfair. This same person is basing that assumption off of a time where Pollyx was taking quotes from my stream out of context + twisting them because I dared to run for Prime Ximbo against bxdcherri + they didn't know me personally like they knew bxdcherri. I've streamed for probably thousands of hours throughout my life, so to take a few moments in my career where I fucked up + claim that that is all my career subsists off of is also incredibly unfair. Was it also toxic when I made an entire YouTube video dedicated to showing new players how to play the game? Was it also toxic when I showed my process in creating outfits to hopefully inspire players to step up their outfits? The answer is no, but some people really just have it out to get me. I'm unsure of if it's because I'm trans, if it's because I'm not "the understandable kind of" mentally ill, or if it's because I make myself a more vulnerable person on here by being the only person to associate their name + face with their account. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things.
Clearly that moment on stream was very out of character for me because I have seen many users defending Bimbo Pimp like Isolde did + I have yet to tell any of them to kill themselves.
Calling someone inbred was the worst insult I could think of that I could defend myself for saying. My brother molested me as a child + raped me as an adult + got away with it. My dad let him live in the same house with me just recently with no issue. He even financially supported him, while I had to get a job to afford my own things. I was totally projecting because at the time that that VOD was streamed, he was like 300 ft away from me + I was fearing for my life every second that I was in the same household as him. The police proved to me that what my brother did to me wasn't bad, my parents + especially my dad proved to me that what my brother did wasn't bad. I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal to society to call a troll "inbred," it's what they had conditioned me to believe was acceptable.
I mean, my brother raped me in California, where incest wasn't a crime, + he waited until I was 18 so that he wouldn't be in trouble for statutory rape. He also wasn't hard at the time + that's the only reason why it wasn't considered a crime what he did to me + why the District Attorney refused to prosecute.
As for telling a Bimbo Pimp defender to kill themselves, I also have been conditioned to think that that was an acceptable course of action. My first memory of my father was of him attempting to kill himself in front of me. Throughout my life, he has attempted to kill himself + threatened to kill himself over the most minor of inconveniences. I've attempted suicide before, many times, because of my father's abuse + my brother's abuse, as well as times where people bullied me for being mentally ill. I've overdosed on lithium, lamictal, + olanzapine all on different occasions. These overdoses should've killed me or put me into a coma or a vegetative state but still, doctors just decided to never pump my stomach or give proper medical intervention other than a bed in a hospital. Mind you, I overdosed on dosages that should have been the end of me.
I've literally been conditioned so that telling someone to kill themselves doesn't seem to be a big deal to me like it is to the rest of society. I have been conditioned so that calling someone inbred doesn't seem like a big deal to me like it is to the rest of society.
This all is barely the tip of the iceberg of the fucked up shit I've been through. i'm not saying any of this to gain sympathy, because truly idk what I'd even do with it. It wouldn't make me feel better, it wouldn't erase my trauma. All I'm asking is that you see my words as an explanation for why I did the things that I did + for you to understand that all of your hurtful words, even on a silly booby game, do impact me (excluding what trolls have to say).
I'm going to hold myself to this but I will be avoiding everything on this website from now on that isn't gameplay or fashion contest hosting for the rest of my term as SM. Congratulations, BP, Katie, + their defenders, you win.
"I have ADHD, so I forgot that I said that. I have OCPD + one of my main triggers is when people tell me I've lied, so I make a conscious effort to not lie. I have OCD which means that I confess things as a compulsion, so whenever I found it to be true that I did tell someone to kill themselves, I immediately confessed that I was originally wrong.
The world isn't kind to me, most of the time because I am mentally ill. Whether it's because they know they can get a reaction out of me or it's because I made a mistake because of my mental illness."
I was also very obviously drinking in the clip, does everyone here remember everything they've ever done in their life, especially when they were drinking? No.
To call me a "drama streamer" for standing up against transphobic rhetoric I've been hearing my entire life, + am therefore completely sick of responding to with positivity, is actually unfair. This same person is basing that assumption off of a time where Pollyx was taking quotes from my stream out of context + twisting them because I dared to run for Prime Ximbo against bxdcherri + they didn't know me personally like they knew bxdcherri. I've streamed for probably thousands of hours throughout my life, so to take a few moments in my career where I fucked up + claim that that is all my career subsists off of is also incredibly unfair. Was it also toxic when I made an entire YouTube video dedicated to showing new players how to play the game? Was it also toxic when I showed my process in creating outfits to hopefully inspire players to step up their outfits? The answer is no, but some people really just have it out to get me. I'm unsure of if it's because I'm trans, if it's because I'm not "the understandable kind of" mentally ill, or if it's because I make myself a more vulnerable person on here by being the only person to associate their name + face with their account. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things.
Clearly that moment on stream was very out of character for me because I have seen many users defending Bimbo Pimp like Isolde did + I have yet to tell any of them to kill themselves.
Calling someone inbred was the worst insult I could think of that I could defend myself for saying. My brother molested me as a child + raped me as an adult + got away with it. My dad let him live in the same house with me just recently with no issue. He even financially supported him, while I had to get a job to afford my own things. I was totally projecting because at the time that that VOD was streamed, he was like 300 ft away from me + I was fearing for my life every second that I was in the same household as him. The police proved to me that what my brother did to me wasn't bad, my parents + especially my dad proved to me that what my brother did wasn't bad. I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal to society to call a troll "inbred," it's what they had conditioned me to believe was acceptable.
I mean, my brother raped me in California, where incest wasn't a crime, + he waited until I was 18 so that he wouldn't be in trouble for statutory rape. He also wasn't hard at the time + that's the only reason why it wasn't considered a crime what he did to me + why the District Attorney refused to prosecute.
As for telling a Bimbo Pimp defender to kill themselves, I also have been conditioned to think that that was an acceptable course of action. My first memory of my father was of him attempting to kill himself in front of me. Throughout my life, he has attempted to kill himself + threatened to kill himself over the most minor of inconveniences. I've attempted suicide before, many times, because of my father's abuse + my brother's abuse, as well as times where people bullied me for being mentally ill. I've overdosed on lithium, lamictal, + olanzapine all on different occasions. These overdoses should've killed me or put me into a coma or a vegetative state but still, doctors just decided to never pump my stomach or give proper medical intervention other than a bed in a hospital. Mind you, I overdosed on dosages that should have been the end of me.
I've literally been conditioned so that telling someone to kill themselves doesn't seem to be a big deal to me like it is to the rest of society. I have been conditioned so that calling someone inbred doesn't seem like a big deal to me like it is to the rest of society.
This all is barely the tip of the iceberg of the fucked up shit I've been through. i'm not saying any of this to gain sympathy, because truly idk what I'd even do with it. It wouldn't make me feel better, it wouldn't erase my trauma. All I'm asking is that you see my words as an explanation for why I did the things that I did + for you to understand that all of your hurtful words, even on a silly booby game, do impact me (excluding what trolls have to say).
I'm going to hold myself to this but I will be avoiding everything on this website from now on that isn't gameplay or fashion contest hosting for the rest of my term as SM. Congratulations, BP, Katie, + their defenders, you win.
♡ ¡ like the forum posts ! ♡ 
