I believe in God.  I have been so blessed by having Jackie in my life.  Something really fun happened to me today.  My first grand son's 1st birthday is this Sunday.  My son's mother-in-law is a professional party planner, so I deferred to her to host this party.  It's been being planned for 3 month's if that is any indication of how extreme this party is going to be.  She did the wedding and it was one of the best I've ever seen.  Since Jackie and I just began living together, I was only planned as single, so I had to re- RSVP.   Haha.  My daughter-in-law was so happy for me, but this is going to be very weird.  This 1st birthday party is going to have the makings of one of the most unusual TV drama ever possible.  My daughter in law's sister also has a lesbian lover.  Only her and I have dates of the same sex.  All the rest of the family is Pentecostal Christians.  Real Holy-Roller Types with a live band.  I've been to the church, and know the people well enough,  I'll be fine with my religious and musical background, and it doesn't hurt that I am an ordained and legally recognized minister.  I can carry a conversation with religious folks well enough. They actually use my title.  Pastor Micah. Normally it would be Father or Reverend  Micah, if male by degree. But a female evangelist must take on the feminine pronoun of Pastor=teacher.  I passed the same tests.  It just doesn't sound right to me, but I understand why they allow me that honor in their church.  They address me properly enough, for a rockin' good time at a Sunday service.   I've already made an impression on the church members, so I'm not worried about my standing with them religiously, until they see my life as I LOVE it.  What other may see as sin, can actually be VERY beautiful in Gods Eyes.  The judgments of Humans is always flawed.
  
 This is going to be odd for one of the grand-mother's to to have a younger baby than the birthday boy in her arms and a date just a few years older than my son's.  Right now, I'm actually trying to compose a sort of script to explain my relationship to the Christian's if they ask.  I'm actually speechless right now.  I can't believe it.  I seriously am preparing a sermon, disguised as 'Small-talk'.

There is a bit of a worry for me.  I'm used to these sort of swanky parties.  Jackie has always lived in poverty, and she is still acting very uncomfortable in my home.  I worry that this party might be a bit over whelming for her but she is going to need to get used to this sort of life.  I just never thought I would have to teach a woman how to be a princess, and I'm so unprepared to teach I just realized.  I'm glad that her first public event with me is a 1st birthday party.
  That is as tame and normal as they get around me.  God provided me with the perfect first social event to ease her into this side of my life.  My adorable grand-son, Zane.

    I spent all my life running away from money.  Now I'm trying to teach some who has never had it, to be comfortable around money.  She was always comfortable with me, because I really don't use my wealth.  Nice things, but not like a Paris Hilton.  She see's just me being fashionable, and always playing with fun and crazy ideas at home.   I'm really glad we knew each-other for so long before we took this step, because at least she trust me to know I will not embarrass her.  In doing so we will be just fine.  In a way she is like my little copy- cat.  She watches me with such intensity and I caught her trying to mimic my walk on many occasions.  She flatters me, most un-necessarily, but it is really heart warming to see how much she tries to copy even the stupid and pointless ways I hold a knife and fork.  She loves it when I take out  the truck and take her to my cabin above the lakes and I cook her southern-fried chicken and  wild trout caught fresh from the river.  She is such a willing student of the world, I love her attitude !!!  She gets so excited watching me catch food and make it delicious.  I even lick my own fingers in preparation..   As if nobody has ever done that before for her.  Haha.
 
  I was raised to never stand out as different.  Now I'm teaching her to be a cookie cutter impression of my rich-bitch-self.   I'm not to pleased with that thought.  I like her just as she is,  but I have a family too that I occasionally must put on an actresses hat to impress a tough crowd.  I wonder if it is ethical for me to teach her to be so shallow?   She has never seen me as a guest of honor at a party and I'm not sure I will accept an invitation like that anymore...
    The Grand-Mother of the Birthday Boy is a Natural Role I can't refuse. (so)  Holding the little baby-girl in my arms, I hope will some day become his wife. Is my goal...  Happy Birthday.  This just Feels to PERFECT to not take a risk and attend a party with someone that isn't my son's dearly departed father for the very first time for me too...  Holding Jackie's hand and baby gives me strength to smile with new memories.  I hope for the Best ,even while I'm totally scared to death to take this step myself.
I Don't want to change her to fit into my Family !!!!!!!  I love her exactly as she is, but I am not sure if she can get used to the different faces I must use from time to time.   I feel like I'm a time traveler right now and I don't know the correct date on the calendar.
  I see a princess and she is so humble, I feel like the devil asking her to join me in my life to spare me some discomfort of being alone at an event like this...

Rest In Peace, Daddy....  The boys are doing fine.  My tears are normal, I think when I'm thinking about you too.  This story is made even more intense by the fact that the other grand-mother also lost her husband to suicide on Christmas day, right before the wedding of our children.  The Brides mother walked her down the aisle and gave her to my son.  It was the most emotional wedding I wish had happened better. The grand mothers had tears to carry on the inside of their hearts. and the whole church was flooded with tears of Joy and a future in love...   Our grand child has no grand-fathers.  I hope some very powerful women will be able to make up for that, somehow.  My new daughter might be just the angel he needs to grow up with.
  God really does work in mysterious and marvelous ways.
       He sure seemed to get things going by slapping me in the face with an RSVP.  I can't run away.  It's to late, and to important.  I love Jackie and Tianne enough to see a mother totally weak.  I can get back up and be her's.  I honor and cherish her from years past to futures never seen,  
 Jackie is magnificent to suffer with me when I need her the most. Holding my hand and giving me courage to endure and excel in being her mate....

Ahhh,  It seems whenever I am on the computer she finds such a sweet way to tease me.     I just got a face full of hair and a hidden kiss.   She is so adorable.   I love getting surprises too.   OK we are just planning an afternoon, and she found something from my closet to wear.....   That is an unfair advantage.   She knows I match outfits to activities.    What I'm seeing right now, is not a public attraction.    OMG  Do I really look like that in THAT?
   I'm totally laughing right now.  Jackie discovered my wardrobe.  She has seen it but I guess she decided to use the changing room, today.  shamefully my outfits fit her better. At least it is a bit more modest on her.  Same size,  but I'm much taller.  She might want to avoid my summer skirts.  They look like school uniforms on her. Looking slutty in them isn't coming natural to her ether.  I sensing a shopping adventure very soon.
 She still hasn't noticed that she has matron.  It is so funny to me how the staff is actually following my orders to the tee.  They are totally unsure of themselves too right now, because I've asked them to give her space,  and they are not used to doing that.  Her Chambermaid doesn't know what to do, because Jackie doesn't know yet that she is there to dress her and cater to her every need..   I'm totally laughing at the whole scene right now. Her matron is hovering, and I feel I should relive her, but I'm waiting for Jackie to give the order.

     I should take over and save her.  She seems to be better if I dress her.  baby steps.  Yes,  in real life I love dressing DOLLS too.  I wonder if it a learned trait, because I did grow to be very appreciative of my governess's.  She isn't taking to it tonight,  so I guess I'll dress her for bed.  Seriously. Must I love her every second?
Of course, It is so easy with every button I put in place.  The lace laid just right.  Step back and admire.   Perfection.  She just WOW's me and I melt in a puddle seeing her explore her home. Silk is amazing to wear, and there is something she seems to be comfortable wearing right now.
    I think I wont tell her it was made by worms quite yet...LMAO
Bye ______
                      Someone special is begging to be slowly undressed and touched by me right now.   It is such an honor she gives me and I totally out of my element with her too.  I'm just pretending to be a virgin once again, because it a part I never played before and it is thrilling to tease like this.  She strips me of all common sense, but with her that is Heavenly.

so i had this idea of a contest. 
in my head its called bimboland fashion show. 
its supposed to be a like a bimbo version of victoria secret fashion show
and i think you all get the point. we dress up in lingerie and make it more creative
what do you guys think?? 
its just an idea though... idk if you guys would want to do it..

How did you guess that was what she was wearing?  Am I that transparent?  Questions and questions....  Haha, Jackie is rather dazzling and I got to know more about her.

I really made a mess with my youngest son today.  I had a total emotional breakdown and started to talk about his father.   I think I'm self destructing yet another relationship because I just can't seem to get over my husband.   All the joy I feel with Jackie Melts into a glob of goo, when I see my own sons.   Kindell, my Baby mentioned how I no longer take an interest in him.  He is 21 years old, and that totally cut me to the core. I try but he is always working and has excuses,  but see's  his reality is, I never try to see him. I have 7 days a week that I've been trying to have a visit with him.  He is such a typical man. full of excuses, but showes up when he has gifts.  Then when I try to talk to him about life, he got defensive, and blamed me for his fathers death. 
My girlfriend is not good enough for me to try to make a life with.  He want's me to forever remain a widow.
          So I asked him what he would do if his wife died, and how he would feel about taking another lover.
It was interesting how he was so willing to mock my feelings about his father,  but refused to reply to the same question.  The point is valid despite the sex of the parties involved.

He is old enough for me to tell him the whole truth.  He was not happy to hear it.  He was to young to know how devastated I was.  then I mentioned Jackie as being such a help to me, and he got angry.  He didn't know about her till today.    He did not take this news very well, and I'm totally in tears, with no signs of a break in the rain.   Oh Joy, disowned by your own child............      
OMG !!!!!!!
   What does a hopeless widow do?    
Crying feels good.........   I'm DONE.   I can't bring his father back to life.  I feel I must disappoint my son, and try to survive.
  It is really sad to feel so suicidal and know your worth more dead than alive to your children.    Kindell just broke my heart so well,  I really don't even want to look at him anymore.   I never imagined I would feel such hate from him sharing what I thought was good news.  There is nothing but beauty in Jackie and Tianne.     My poor and ignorant 21 year old boy.  I hope he never feels the pain I have and if he does, I hope he has an angel like I have had. His father has been with me in spirit since his death.

  I'm Shattered today and I'm not sure what to do.   God says leave Men Be.  That is awful advice to a mother.  I made an opinionated man, so I must take his opinion about my love life.     He seems to blame me for cancer, and I guess I need me  to be his whipping post as long as I have Jackie in my life.    I'm totally broken hearted right now.  I cannot fix his loss, or mine.  Next move is his.   He left his mother in tears.  I'm not going to worry about a man who is that strong in his opinions.   He seems to think he is as grown as he can get.    I can work with that.    He wants to display his loss on me, and hate me for it.   A typical man lashing out at the closest target. The mother of him and wife of his cherished father.  A mother in tears, I guess is every boys dream to bury.  Why he is blaming me for cancer and 3 years past, is incomprehensible to me.  I knew he was still grieving, but today's display was a total surprise to me. 
   I just wanted to warn him before my grandsons birthday party.   Now I'm not sure I should even attend, but the total BITCH in ME is GOING to make me.   If I have to take Kindell out, and toss a 6'6" 210LB. man on his ass in the snow, I will. None will interfere.   If he wants a fight about my love life, he has a lesson coming to him and I will not spare the rod or spoil the child.  My life is his to take.  It wouldn't be the first time.   I seem to remember his 0 birthday better than him.  I also seem to remember how often his father was unfaithful to me.  Yes I forgave him,  and it isn't something I would say to my child no matter how old he is.       I prefer to let my child die in ignorance of how much I loved his father.  He was only 6 years old when his father died.  He still has six year old emotions about it, and the idea of Jackie being in my life is hurting him.
    I can't fix it.  He is a man with a ghost.

From one extreme to another.  My life today has not been very peaceful. so I needed a change of attitude after my son left,  so what do I go and do?  I went to the office for a cup of coffee, and got promoted.  Same job, but that they want me in charge of all the shifts.  I'm not happy.  I told them that this is a retirement job and I wanted to only do the job, not be responsible for others. Upper management actually came to the break room to beg me saying that nobody else was as qualified as me.  That isn't my problem at all.   
  So I'm now wondering how I can refuse a promotion at work and still keep my current job.

It is all my fault however.  The position they want to give me is the same one, I got the last manager fired from due to very poor book-keeping skills and theft.
  I'm the best and they offered me the world to take the job.   What can you really offer a rich old widow to take that stupid job?  
Nope, still not interested, but I have a bad feeling that they are going to change my schedule to force me into doing the job anyhow.  It will be very easy for me,  but I really didn't want to do my old job again.  It was to dull for me, and I'm not sure if this new company would like my management style.  I was a fuckin' whore at my last job around the men, and a bitch to the women.  That is all fine and good when I actually cared about having a job.  Now I don't want to quit my job because they wish to promote me.   That is totally unfair.   Give the money to someone else.   Oh that's right they only have American collage students to choose from.   That is the companies first mistake and they will never recover from it.   I can't fix STUPID, lazy and entitled babies of advanced years.  That was as politically correct as I could say without calling them worthless pieces of shit in the work place.   I'm sure they are great people on Face-book,.  Give one of them my unwanted promotion and save me the trouble of becoming a monster for cash.  They can spend it better than I.  Loans Loans Loans and more credit cards and finance charges.   The babies out of collage, need the promotion more than I do.  Eventually they might find one that didn't skip the day when ethics was taught.  I'm not holding my breath.
.
OMG They are going to make me take this stupid promotion.  They brought in the only corporate women I respect and she asked me too take it, personally.
  I thought today was my day off work.  I just love the coffee and I'm going to charge the company my hourly rate for 2 hours.  That should irritate a few folks in the glass house on the hill.  I can pay for the coffee for a month for everyone for just 10 minutes of my pay.  It really is so far my favorite blend, because it is local, and grown at a high altitude and roasted to perfection.  Star-Bucks only costs Bucks, and is as generic as it get's.  I hate paying for disposable cups environmentalists seem to be in love with.   They must be all collage graduates, and vegetarians wearing leather shoes keeping that shit hole in my city.

Update: 'Flipping heals of cattle and mules.'  (trying not to swear)  they forced it on me.  Better pay, and I might actually might make a 10th of what I made dancing.  Oh, and they conceded to my demands.  I have no company dress policy anymore to fight with.   OK,  I'm good with that.   HAHAHAAAAA
          They have no idea of the Pandora's box they just allowed to be opened.  I warned them that some major changes will have to happen.  They gave me all I needed.    Some children might want to refresh  some resume's.  And they can forget about references from a previous job. It ain't happening.  I'll pick someone from the street and train them myself, before I ever hire a collage educated American.  OK, maybe, but they will have to impress me first.  That will be a rare bird.
See,   It is my own attitude in the work place that made me want to retire.  I'm too ruthless for the modern era.  It is so difficult for me to be made as stupid as the rest of America.   But I'm trying to un-learn everything I know to fit in.  My favorite pastime is seeing if I can loose 10,000 dollars in a single day.  It was easy,  I just did my job as asked by a so wise 23 year old with a degree.  I didn't care, till she stole from me. Resistance is futile when a young woman thinks she has something to prove to someone.   Theft from work is not usually the best place to start to please an unemployed  boyfriend. Women can really still be that stupid in the 21st century.  It is such a shame to see.

I have so much to do right now, but the Shit always hits the fan all at once for me.
  My biggest worry is this stupid forced promotion at work.  I'm not sure I can get away from it, because of my safety concerns for my co-workers.
 It has really put me into a very awkward position of having a skill that is needed, but the time I don't want to give up out of my semi-retired life.  It seems to be such a strange concept to company's that they have failed to hire skilled workers to replace people who are retiring eventually.  I'm just in my 40's and a bit early, but if this is what I am seeing personally as a person who isn't working for financial gain, Working only to stay active.

  What does the future hold for American collage students with loans, and don't really seem to have any work ethic to keep a job long enough to really learn how to do it?  India, China Europe, Send us your students.

   I want to quit over this,  but it also breaks my heart to see the potential of actual danger to so many people if I walk away. People go home to families at the end of my work day.  It really isn't a difficult job for me,  just communications and such, but it is very mentally draining.  I'm just tired, and really don't want to mess up my plans for a 5 day holiday, every week for the rest of my life.

My life Is just to full of drama all at once.  I could write the most absurd screen play for "Friends", right now.  Just from the drama that has matured into a friendship destroying level.  Lies to deceive, is a deal breaker for me. It is the reason for the lie, is as romantic as it as tragic.  Jackie admitted too me she was over-whelmed when I took her shopping, not by me, but by the people around me.  She only admitted that after she has gotten stuck in snow at her boyfriends house in her car and needs :  You guessed it, my help. She is trapped, now at her boyfriends empty house next-door.( he is still in prison.) 

                    Hell. Now anything she says can be a lie.  She claims she still doesn't have time to drive with me to a catered 1st birthday party.

    How dreadful, because people will be around me, and she got really nervous when shopping for dresses with me for the first time.  It is totally absurd to me what she has to fear at a party like that. A group of well dressed Church ladies and children? 
 Willing to lie and throw away a Cinderella lifestyle, because we get noticed in a GOOD WAY.  People, where admiring her in a way she had never felt before, and we had a wonderful time, because I was focused only on her. But she was creep'ed out by everyone watching her.  She had no reason, but I guess you can say that it was the first time coming out of the closet for her and I drew to much attention to us.  I thought the trip was wonderful and never awkward at all.  So I want to forgive her, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to forgive herself to ever face me again. She really looks up to me, I totally pamper her and this was not a typical lovers fight.  She is feeling crushed right now too, because she knows I was totally adorable during our shopping date.  That's the problem She Love's Me for that persona because I'm the same way at home alone with her, but to be the friend with me in public was out of her element.

  I know her past to well.  She  was a feral child raised in foster homes.  Lies were a natural defense.  Everyone I know that has shared an acquaintances with has told me she is a compulsive liar. She has lied to me too in the past.  Little things.  But, about going to my grandsons 1st birthday?
  That really crosses a line for me.  I'll just cry the next time I see her.  Not talk to her. She's going to have to fix something and I don't even know what it would take.

  Very Tragic for her children, They are going to miss my attention and playrooms.  I wonder how she is going to lie that away to ignore what she did.

people probably think im the biggest hippie, i've been spreading so much of that kind of energy but that's definitely not the case!! haha. HLB i hope your having a wonderful day!! God bless you & your family :D 

Hello Nia.  Looks like were going to be spending a lot of time in the Pub now.  Guess What.  I was bourn during the height of the hippy era. A teen with friends who still were considered old hippies too, by her.  The smell of burning weed to this day just gives me a hunger to taste the smoke as exhaled though the nose. the Doors, and Moodie Blues playing just over the hushed conspiring voices, of love, peace and sex.

Good times.  hahaaaa.  I wish I could remember them better.